Get Some Aussie Beer Cultcha

This is a friendly guide for all you blow-ins from OS to let you know the true blue etiquette when out for a night on the piss in the land down under. This overview assumes that the drink of choice will be beer, since beer is the only thing any fair dinkum Aussie ever drinks. Beer drinking levels in Oz rival those in Germany, and some would argue that they exceed them since the surveyors must only have interviewed those two-pot screamers that can’t hold their piss. So you don’t look like a complete drongo, this guide is a dead-cert to keep you on the right track.

You might want to start out by downing a couple of coldies round your mate’s place. Make sure you BYO beer, so you don’t have to bludge off your mates and get them all narky before the night’s even begun. You can pick up a slab at the local bottle-o, or you might want to go in for the home brew. Making your own home brew instils a sense of pride in any Aussie, and should be downed even if it’s weak as piss. Aussie’s have their beer ice cold, (not like the poms that drink it warm), so stick your stubbies in the esky as soon as you turn up. It’s then proper to have a bit of a chin wag until everyone’s got their wobbly boots on, and after that it’s time to start the pub crawl.

When you get to the first pub, pick a decent pozzy where you’re close to the on-tap amber fluid, and can perve on all the spunky sheilas (if you’re a fella) or blokes (if you’re a sheila). Once you’re settled, it’s time to shout your mates a drink. Bring enough dosh to go a few rounds, or by the end of the night you’ll be drinking with the flies and forever known as a tight-arsed botfly. Whatever you do, don’t pike out right when it’s your turn to shout, or mates could turn on you like a pit-bull on a juicy steak.

How you ask for your beer has to be bang on. Asking for a schooner in the eastern states will get you 425ml of beer, while asking for the same in South Australia will result in a poxy 285ml. You can get a pony in Victoria, South Australia or WA, but most people are too embarrassed to buy this 140ml wuss-sized beer. In Tassie you order by the ounce, but doing this anywhere else in the country might cause the barperson to look at you like you’ve got a few kangaroos loose in the top paddock. Stubbies are really a Northern Territory affair, but this term should be pretty much understood to mean ‘beer in a rather short bottle’ no matter where you are. Asking for a tinnie will land you beer in a can. If you just want lots of beer, a jug is a standard 1140ml countrywide and is a bonza way to keep your mates as happy as pigs in shit and your wallet in good nick too.

Beer games are optional. Mostly, Aussies don’t need an excuse to get blotto and beer games are not required but can be a bit of a laugh. If you do want to have a go, you should choose your game appropriately. If the rules are more than one sentence long, it’s not worth the time you waste yabbering when you could be drinking! A game like ‘whoever sculls fastest is the winner’ is a popular and easy to remember choice. Only slightly more complex is a card game where you put the cards on top of a glass or bottle, and take turns blowing them off. Whoever blows off the last card gets the beer!

After a couple of hours, it’ll be time to break the seal. If you need to take a piss, there are a variety of ways you can acceptably excuse yourself. You can say ‘I’ll be back in a sec,’ or ‘Watch my drink will ya mate?’ or ‘I’m off to see a man about a dog.’ All of these are good ways to say ‘I’m going to the dunny.’ When returning to your table, make sure you find your mates again. Don’t sit down at a table of unfamiliar yobbos and start asking whose shout it is or you could end up in a bit of a blue. If you do upset a local and they chuck a spaz (likely to occur from calling them numb nuts or chundering on their flip flops), it’s well and truly time to choof off to the next watering hole.

With growing numbers of boutique breweries in Oz, this could be where you end up next. Brewpubs are worth a look in, that is, a place where beer is both brewed and consumed. The good thing is, there aren’t too many agro yobbos or bogans, and you’ll never be left with just empties. On the downside, if you’ve been drinking all night, you could end up looking like a bit of a galah in this slightly-swankier-than-the-bog-standard establishment. No tracky-daks or flannies allowed here! Dirty pick up lines are out too, as they’re just likely to give classy sheilas the irrits.

It’s just as likely you could end up in an Irish pub, since there are more of these in Australia now than there are in Ireland. Of course, they’re full of Aussies and fiddle music and if you’re there on St Patrick’s Day then you’re likely to be served green Guinness. There are a few Belgian theme pubs around too, with foreign beer and funny glasses. It’s usually a pretty rowdy mob that hangs out here, but a friendly one nonetheless. And sometimes it’s good to try some OS style beer.

Bring enough dosh to get a taxi home from your night out bending the elbow, since the booze bus could be waiting around any corner and you don’t want to blow in the bag and get done by the cops. Let the cabbie know he needs to pull over before you spew on his flashy seats, or you’re likely to end up with a bunch of fives in your tucker chute and no way to get home. In the morning, you’re sure to be somewhat rooted. The groggy headache should pass in a few hours, depending on how far you nudged the turps the night before. If you’ve done the Sunday Sesh and you’re meant to be in doing the hard yakka, you might have to ring the boss in the morning to chuck a sickie. Make sure you put it on good and thick, or he’ll know your dishing him a load of codswollop.

Please note: anyone using as much Aussie slang as this article has used will be considered a few sausages short of a barbie and a complete boofhead.